For the Lord give wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding. Proverbs 1:7
If you are a caretaker or family member of someone who has dementia or Alzheimer’s you have to make some very hard decisions. I hear people say, “I would never put my parents in a nursing home.” Never say “never”. I know some people give their children very specific instructions about how to care for them or their spouse as they age, but we never know what the exact circumstances will be.
Daddy was Mother’s primary caretaker. She had always been so independent and now she wouldn’t do anything without him. It was taking a toll on him both physically and mentally. He would often complain to my brother and I and we could see how hard it was on him to deal with her 24/7 but he wanted her to live at home, as we all did. We had her physician prescribe home health for her. She wouldn’t eat so they would come and give her IV infusions. The problem was that the drip was supposed to go in slowly and she didn’t like that so once she got Daddy to turn it up and it went into her system so fast that it did her no good. Another time, she got tired of it and just pulled the needle out herself. Home health then refused to go because they weren’t helping her. Next, we hired a young woman to go and stay with her for a few hours every day so that Daddy could get out of the house. She was supposed to cook some breakfast for her, straighten up the house, and just be her companion. Mom literally shoved her out the door.
Having her stay with either of us was out of the question. She didn’t like either of our spouses and she took turns being angry at either Johnny or me. Our decision was made for us when she fell 1 morning. If you have read my earlier posts you know about her Ambien addiction. She got out of bed and fell in the bathroom. Daddy got her back in bed and went to get her some water. While he was out of the room, she got out of bed again and went into the guest bathroom and fell face first into the bathtub. That precipitated a helicopter ride to Lubbock for fear of bleeding on her brain, 2 nights in the hospital and the inevitable decision to put her in a nursing home where she would have full time care.
That was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I am thankful that I didn’t have to make that decision alone. I just want to say here that we don’t know what the future holds for any of us. Yes, I would like to be able to live out my life at home, but I don’t want my kids or Jacky to ever feel guilty if that isn’t possible. All we can do is the best that we can with the circumstances we are given. I know that my mother died knowing how much we loved her and that she is finally at peace.
I feel like this was kind of Debbie Downer post so here is another blessing story. My friend, Phil Stroud said that when his dad was in the nursing home he thought of the dining area as a cafe. When Phil would visit his dad would want to go down to the “cafe” and get a cup of coffee and a piece of pie and think it was the greatest thing that they never gave him a check, in fact, he really thought he was getting away with something.
I completely agree,Candy, with your comment ” never say never.” Health care choices for my parents where the hardest decisions I have ever had to make. As an only child, it was a particularly heavy burden. We do the best we can with a broken and failing system. Research, “use your noggin”, be compassionate and then pray.