You’re Just Like Your Mother

To most of us, those are words we never want to hear. I loved my mother dearly and she had a lot of good qualities but when Jacky said that to me he wasn’t talking about any of those. He was talking about my anger, pettiness, unforgiveness, and grudges. I can’t even remember what our argument was about but that was his comeback. It devastated me. For once, instead of justifying my words or rationalizing that it was all his fault, I actually thought about what he said and realized he was right. I was angry at someone or everyone all of the time.

At that time I was seeing a female doctor who was about the same age as me. I thought my hormones were probably just out of whack. She suggested that she sometimes had the same issues controlling her negative emotions and suggested I was suffering from depression. I didn’t understand that because I wasn’t sad, I was just mad. She prescribed a low dosage antidepressant and I started praying earnestly, asking God to help me to change instead of asking him to change other people. That was about 10 years ago. I have stopped taking my little “be nice” pills, with physician supervision several times but it seems like every time I have that life has thrown some major stressor at me. I start to feel anxious and frustrated and turn into a mean person, so I just take the pill. I’ve decided that this little pill that doesn’t seem to affect any other part of my body except my emotions is a gift from God and to just accept it.

I do some other things to help now too. I try to surround myself with positive people who lift me up and hold me accountable, and I pray a lot. When I think back to how I behaved, the mean things I said, the insults I slung out, I am so embarrassed. If you were on the receiving end, I am very sorry.

I’m convinced that my mother probably also suffered from depression for most of her life. Back in the day though saying someone needed an antidepressant signaled that something was wrong with them and there was a huge stigma attached. I know she wouldn’t have believed the diagnosis and honestly, I’m not sure that the medications they used back in the 60’s, 70’s, 80’s would have been a good option. Do any of you remember reading “Valley of the Dolls”? Medications then, I think, just worked to numb the senses and people pretty much walked around like zombies.

Her dementia just magnified the depression. I once gave her a Joel Osteen book. I thought maybe she would see how blessed she really was. We took it with us to a doctor’s appointment for her to read while waiting. She read about 10 pages, slammed the book shut and said, “Well, he just thinks everybody ought to be happy all the time.” The best part of the story though is that she thought my brother gave her the book and told me in no uncertain terms just to “give that thing back to him”. I just agreed. Better him than me, right?

The moral of this story is that depression has many faces, not just sadness. It affects our relationships with the people we love, our jobs, our friends and our sense of joy in life. Our Father, who loves us, has given us so many tools to make us the best we can be that we shouldn’t let society keep us from accessing them. I want to be very clear. There is nothing wrong with you and you didn’t cause these feelings. If you have any of these feelings, please reach out for help. I did some research and read some articles about faith and depression. I am providing a link to one that I thought was very insightful. https://theblazingcenter.com/2017/05/what-does-the-bible-say-about-depression-and-anxiety.